That is all I am now, well at least according to the one person very dear to me.
I can’t blame him for thinking about it really because when we talk I always share my endless struggles, my unforeseen challenges, my inner pains, my damn regrets, my pitiful frustrations that he has conjured in his mind that all of which are problems I need to face and overcome in this short lifetime and could not even come up with solutions to take all the confusion away.
But I honestly think I’m one lost soul waiting, insistently, for something, someone or some higher being to take it all and lead me to my path, which I don’t even know or understand.
I don’t see any light and not even a tunnel to go through and take a path and I think I’m lost.
I feel lifeless---like everything is still and all I see are the visions of life in front of me moving while I’m standing perfectly still. I see my family drifting, my friends scurrying over their busy individual lives while mine seems to have paused, if not truly stopped.
Funny, I don’t even feel bored nor even feel anything at all being on this state of mind. It’s just a void feeling of comfort and sanctuary but I’m scared that I’d prefer to stay this way.
Because then by standing perfectly still I realized how safe, how comfortable stillness could be.
There are no risks, no unnecessary movements, no obstacle that has to be conquered because I get to choose the definition of fun and of living while I bask the glory of nothingness--of not having heavy burden to carry, no responsibilities to worry about, workload to stress out and even a life to put in proper perspective.
But I can’t truly say this is peace of mind because I continue to worry over the unusualness of my state for I know this is not balance. Because life isn’t suppose to be this way…
It’s supposed to be alive, to be vivid with action, and be filled with a sense of universal and personal purpose. Mine right now is so far from having that purpose, nor having that balance and not even having that vivre for life itself!
And suddenly, this makes me wonder, when life's boring no more, restless no more, lonely no more but comfortably still even if idle and unproductive... is it still life?
How come this is possible? Where are all the answers to never ending questions, doubts, confusions and reasons to explain everything? If there is, I hope it’ll come to me soon before I fall apart.
The longer I stay this way, the longer I’ll get stuck and the longer I’m stuck, the longer the chance for me to just prefer staying this way---forever.
